If I tell the world, I'll never say enough

So a year ago I started a blog with all types of excitement. I sent an email out to everyone and amassed five followers (my mother not included). What has happened to me in a year? I was really into the posting for a while and then I chickened out because of the self-censoring that needs to happen due to my place of employment. It seems in the education world you do not have a private life. Which makes sense when you try to have an online persona because you have made the private public?

But I digress, well my life happened. I took my first class at Harvard which was very exciting because I still have it - I got an A. sorry, an "A-" but Nicole the Nerd is back. I tried to do the novel contest again, but pressures at home caught my short about 40k short of the 50k goal. But good news kids, I picked up my book from last November to work on the editing. I recently heard a story about Toni Morrison keeping her novel Beloved in a box for years before getting it published. I'm not getting any younger so I decided to rescue my book from the dust mites under my bed and get out my teacher pen. It's not too bad. Should I publicly say I will post some excerpts? Don't know yet.

Work is okay and busy. At the start of the school year I had the 5 year itch. This is my sixth year teaching - the longest I have been in one job. I think we may have a career folks at least until I decide to be a writer for real. I was sitting in bed last night having my back to school anxiety attack because I have not graded one paper since I have been home. That's a lot to do in a home and a vacation should be that - a break from the work life. There are still four kids and no more on the way! What I do have is a full-fledged teenager. I mean Avalon is going to be fourteen. What the heck am I going to do now? I already talked about the armpit hair and the calling me "Mom" stuff (and now the 7 year old is calling me that too). My daughter got her hair pressed and while that may sound like nothing to you- she looks like a young woman. And my youngest is about 9 months away from kindergarten. Hallelujah no more daycare payments, but sadness for the end of innocence. So on my pre-anniversary I would like to thank my five followers and my mom for supporting me. I will be back more frequently until school kicks my butt, but I vow to be more frequent. My fans are waiting.

Happy New Year!

..baby girl flossing, lipgloss is shining

This morning I was thinking about my silver bangles. Currently I wear a cheap set I bought at Burlington Coat Factory that jingle when I move my arm and remind me that I am doing the jewelry thing. One broke; popped at the place where it’s lightly welded. However, my silver bracelets, the ones from childhood that every young West Indian son and daughter must wear - I want those back. They don’t go out of style and they do not break. My mom has a picture displayed at her house of me as an infant with a yellow-checkered dress, a smock front with flowers and my gold bangle prominently displayed. Don't know where they are now and if I ask my mother for them, she will tell me how much they cost, how hard they are to get, et cetera. They used to irritate me because in school the teachers would ask me to take them off during gym and for track meets. They don't come off easily – these bangles are not meant to come off. So this morning while my fake diamond bracelet and cheap silver one where clanging together on the way to work I thought about my bangles - my West Indian bangles. How did they come off?

Lost and insecure..you found me

So I have been challenged to post. When I started reading over my blog, I was surprised to find that I have not written a thing since July. There's that commitment thing again. Let me tell you what I have committed to lately.

Earrings...oddly enough, my mom believes that you are not dressed unless you are wearing earrings. My friend Ditzah has been all over me this summer for being half done. My hair and make-up were done; I would put on decent clothes and a necklace, but forget the important earrings. So since the start of school I have worn earrings every (almost) day! I have committed to that one simple thing.

What else? - National Novel Writing Month is coming up in November. I have verbally committed to doing it again. I did it last year - 50k words in 30 some odd days and I was completely blown away that I did it. Since I am not in school this semester - to discuss later - I have to do this novel writing contest.

Is that all I have committed to? That may be it for right now but seeing how I have been lately that's not too bad.

Oh - and I am committed to my marriage. We just passed the ten-year mark. It goes by fast and I feel like I have been married an eternity. The other day I thought about how next September 2010 I will have known my husband for half of my life. What? That's just crazy, deranged. No, seriously, it's a big thing and I can barely wrap my head around the idea.

Oh and I have been reading at night, every night. I have a hard time reading for pleasure during the school year because you read papers, and articles and the like and it just gets to be too much. I read some woman's blog where she reads over 100 books a year. I thought I loved to read, but wow. I did commit to the entire Twilight series. I'm just a commitment fanatic.

So I have posted to my blog, writing this entry in ten minutes in response to pressure from my good friend (and blog follower), Rach. Thanks, Ray-Ray.

That's the way, that's the way, that's the way

Okay so let me tell you about today. Nicole gets an idea. Nicole tries to follow through with said idea - oops - wrench in the works. Just spent time writing here preparing a post about commitment because I have not committed to keep up with my blog posts, my exercise, my healthy living. So I write the darn thing, get ready to edit and I have deleted it somehow. What the heck? I mean I wrote some good stuff, right. Or maybe it was crap and my cinco followers would know (one, that I'm looking for more followers) that I am cuckoo for coco puffs right now.

So let me give you the highlights of my last post....I cannot maintain friendships because I have a fear of commitment or an inability to stay faithful to friendships, hairdressers, healthy living plans (banning the word diet from my vocabulary), careers (writing is my first love) and a bunch of other things that I have forgotten because I can't even commit things to memory. I do remember from my long lost, well-written post, that I did not have an answer for my conundrum (nor do I want one). I am willing to forge forward with my new revelation and wait for God to tell me to stop whining. Most of the time I know exactly what I need to do and how to go about it, but I give myself reasons to not do it.

So what am I going to do about this friend thing? Let's see - I have a wide circle of friends. The thing I was commenting on was my lack of intimate friendships. You know the kind that five of you have - people you know you better than you know yourself. People who are willing to tell you difficult things even though they may get more than they bargained for in return. I don't know that I have that in my life right now, or if I am that for others.

Well you know...

I have brain block right now. The blog started because I was going to write at least weekly sharing my thoughts and musings about life. Looks like there is nothing in there or here right now. Kind of experiencing a creative funk..

What’s happening? Nothing. School is over. My students left the last week of May (and I miss them); I had a super busy week because I planned a prom and worked a graduation. My school is huge so event numbers for the prom was about 1000 and graduation there is thousands in attendance (900 on the field). Once things simmered down I guess I missed the drama. Run at 100 mph for a few weeks and things seem dry cruising at 55 again.

Summer time, summer time.

Why do I detest summer?

1. No new programming. All my shows have ended for the season.
2. No basketball! Celtics did not make it to the finals and I hate the Lakers.
3. Baseball and reality tv – honestly
4. Too much time, but not enough – will have chunks of time open in my schedule but kids, work, and fake exercise obligations will fill that
5. Mo money, mo money, mo money! Got to love that lump sum teacher check. Do not love the extra expenses summer brings.

I will stop the list there for the moment. Sorry to rant, but I am trying to write my way out of a funk. My tweets should get interesting now since I will have time to muse. Deuces!

Sunday Musings

So it's Sunday and on Sundays the fam and I usually go to church. When I was a kid, we went regularly. When I became an adult with a family of my own going to church seemed like something I did not have to do until I got older. It was my husband who said we should start going, but I was resistant to just being in any old church. A friend from college stopped by to say hello, mentioned that she and her husband started a church. We went that Sunday in a room at the Holiday Inn in Brockton and we have been there every since. That was eight years ago.

Going to church is something to do, but having faith is what I do. People ask me how I do what I do all the time and I say that I don't know. I do know, my faith in the Lord and what He says about who I am and how I can live a peaceful life is what makes me able to do what I do. I guess I never say that because I don't think people will understand. That's a little silly when you think about it. Strength has to come from a source and I should never be afraid to name God as mine. I am thankful for all that I have and the things in my life that have yet to come to pass.

As far as your eyes can see...it's Amazing

Why blog about your weight? I just am wondering why would someone blog about the ups and downs of food. Food is nourishment and occasionally, something to enjoy. I am blogging about being in my thirties so I guess the question can be turned back in on me, but what I am doing makes sense. So let me tell you what’s been going on since I have not been keeping up with my blogging.

I just finished a class at Harvard. I thought it was going to be difficult and it was because I like school and I wanted to do well. I haven't received the grade back, but I am thinking I may be scoring in the B range. When you go back to school, by choice you really only want to see A’s - no B's. Who I am I kidding? I take on way too much. In order to earn an A I need to devote more time to studying much more than I do now. Of course, I will keep trying to manage my life and put the right things first.

Speaking of first - my first born is a knot head who is doing a mediocre job in school and getting pretty sassy at home. He has stopped calling me "mommy" and started calling me "mom". I wrote a little tweet about it last week. What's up with that? I am not ready to be "mom". “Mom” means that I may soon have to accept that he may have a girlfriend. “Mom” means that he is officially in puberty with hair growing under his armpits and all other nasty type man-like things. Yuck! “Mom” means, I can't even write it, we will have to revisit "the talk" and I have to accept changes I am not willing to accept. For pete sake, just last week, I think on a Monday, I was "mommy". Uggh! What's next?

So at work I am planning a prom for around 1,000 people. A wedding with 300 is a big wedding and I am in charge of a prom where we are going to cram over 950 teenagers into an event facility with free food, drink, sugary deserts, dark lighting and music. Hello? I am completely off my rocker. The students will love it and it will be the best thing ever, but 1000 people, really? I have been having little mini nightmares thinking about it and I have three weeks to go - I mean two weeks from tomorrow. But I do have a dress, I slimming black dress that hits just above the knees that focuses on my chickeny legs (my legs being the only thing that resembles a chicken) and not my “had my last kid four years ago” tummy.

I have been running or brisk jogging to be more honest. It's killing me. Well, it's not literally killing me, but I am feeling it. Like that freshman 15 and the baby 30 is taking its toll. Nevertheless, I'm going to stick in there - what with the road race I promised my brother I would do.

School is winding down so I should be able to write more regularly. Summer time, summer time!

Gotta get out of this place

When I was a kid, I had to get out at least once a day. I think my mom first pointed it out to me. We were still living on Adams Avenue in Barrington and I guess I was acting out of sorts. She said, "It's because you have not been out today."

The weird thing was that it had to be to a store or the library - some place with other people other than my family. Outdoors was not enough. If I do not go out, event today, I am super cagey and cranky.

I am so old I forget my little quirks. Early today I was not productive because I was bored, but it was because I had not been out yet - that was the problem. Now I am back in the house, listening to my IPOD to blur the noise from the children. I like it a little quiet so I can hear my thoughts. The stove is on, the TV is blaring and Marcel is growling apparently playing make-believe with Clayton. Now cue the incessant giggling that will drive a sane woman insane.

Just checking in before I completely lose my marbles, I am committed and all I will have to show for my semi-sane days is this blog. Remember to come visit me.

I had a bad dream.. a cupcake came to life - Clayton, 6

I have been working on high stake testing all this week and I have been out of my classroom for three days. Working near the front office of a school, you see different types of students filter through and hear a ton of stories. We have students getting into Harvard and Princeton at the same time we have kids in gangs. We students winning championship games, prizes in music and drama at the same time you have kids winning jail time for drag racing, theft, and other type activity. The students come with baggage – most if out of their control. I spend a lot of time in the classroom fighting legacy. As their teacher, I want the best for my students, but I feel like I am up against impossible odds.

My son is thirteen and I do not want to send him to the public school where I teach. What does that say about me as a professional if I send him to private school? What does that say about me as a mom if I send him to public school knowing the risks? I am terrified for Ava. The kids he hangs out with on the basketball court can be into anything off it. Avalon and I have to watch his back in the social world we witness and in the world he lives on the internet and through his cell phone.

Clayton woke me up around 4:30 am talking about a bad dream. Just know at dinner he told me he cannot go to bed because he does not want the bad dream about the cupcake that came to life to return. I laughed and told him to eat it. I would gladly trade adult worries for nightmares about walking cupcakes.

Thinking back a moment

We were walking into church on Sunday (March 23) and Marcel had something on his face so I licked my finger and started swiping at it, vigorously. Disgusting, I thought. I told him, “your face is messy.” I wondered who his mother was. How did Marcel walk out of the house in this condition? Then I had another thought: motherhood is messy. I continue to walk into the church and memories of diapers, dirty laundry, bubble baths, talcum powder and spit-up, the messiness of my life, threatened to overtake me. During those moments when I was out of bed at 2 in the morning sitting on the bathroom floor with a hysterical child did I think this was the joy of motherhood? Where are the crayola pictures on the fridge, breakfast in bed, pillow fights, family harmony – you know, what you see on TV? But TV is not real life, Nicole – didn’t my mom tell me that when I was a girl?

Motherhood is not all peaches and cream and sometimes I don’t like it very much. People don’t know how I do it and I don’t know how I do it. What I do know is that I continue trying to find ways to grow as a person. I accept (after a meltdown) that I am not a perfect mom, but I can learn to be a perfect mom of the kids I have been given. I am messy, that the funny thing talking about the messiness of motherhood. Women are messy and complicated and hope for order, but we don’t believe we deserve it sometimes.

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost...

I had a melt down yesterday. I spent half the night and part of the morning trying to figure out the source of my anxiety. I have a lot going on, but that is not different from any other day. I do not know how to ask for help - that’s a challenge. Plus, I like everything to be perfect. Then it hit me. Some time ago, when Avalon and Kincaid were younger I worked a low paying job that required long hours and lots of travel. I mean, I was not a lawyer or anything, just a recruiter; a recruiter that worked at a small-specialized diversity recruiting company. I thought I was hot stuff you know; I had an office and a ton of responsibility. With all that drama, I completely ignored my home life. I would leave at 7 am and not get home until 10 or later - particularly if an event was coming up.

Work drudged along while I forgot I even had a home life. What happened to the kids or my husband - nothing they did whatever. I don’t know because I never asked. What I do know is that once you make a commitment you cannot all of a sudden decide to ignore your obligations. Something about this week reminded me of that time - they subtle disapproving looks when I came home yet; the feeling that no one knows just how much I am under pressure on the job. Well, I have that same pressure right now - some of it real, much of it imagined. I have a huge project at work (unrelated to teaching and all about testing) but I don’t have to handle things the same way I did back then.

So what happened to the dream job. I left it and work for a dot com that gave me a lay off notice four months into the job. God has a funny way of slowing you down when you don’t have enough sense to do it yourself. …I’m listening.

It's only okay to lie never

No, said the reformed liar.

I was known to tell a little white one every now and again by carefully guarding what I say. Usually you want to lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings - you can tell the truth nicely. Lying always comes back to get you at some point.

Life at the mid..

On February 28 I sent my father a text message saying, "well, daddy, this is my last day in my early thirties. Tomorrow I officially move to mid." He called me and said he wanted to take me to dinner while I can still chew.

So I have been a litte drama queen lately, but mid thirties may be okay. So here's what I have...

a boat load of children. Yes, we have a family of six which is a starting five on a basketball team and one bench player. I am on the bench. Only scored one point in junior high school basketball debut/finale season.

a job that I like. I tell my students a cautionary tale about how money isn't everything but only because I want them to find a career they will actually enjoy. My job as a teacher is fun. It has it's frustrations, but I love teaching and seeing my students every day. I laugh hysterically every day. But, you must not tell them I like them - it's part of my mystique.

a great husband. Shhh...I will be married ten years in August. I have been off the market more than ten years. Which is good because mid thirties is early cougar years, but I don't have to prowl the clubs or bars looking for a young fella to make an honest woman out of me. I have a good fella at home already.

a healthy relationship with my parents. They didn't understand me as a teenager. Or maybe the truth is I was an idiot like most teenagers and I didn't understand myself. My parents are a Godsend. They support me, my family, my marriage and they make me look forward to "the kids have left the nest" time of life. My only gripe is that they have allowed my brother to take residence in my childhood bedroom and it reeks of boy scent: cologne and dirty socks. (Love you, Brian)

I am being beckoned as I write to complete post-shower duties. I will count more of my blessings later.

Baby, you can have whatever you like...

It is not cute in your thirties not to appreciate the little things in life. I sound like a broken record lately, "I'm getting older, now that I'm in my thirties, and I’m almost forty". That saying about enjoying the here and now must only be when you are too old to have a later. Seriously, life can be pretty sweet sometimes, most times, with an occasional hiccup. The good definitely outweighs the bad and I am enjoying the holding pattern right now.

Valentine's Day, the day of commercialized romance and contrived arguments of sentimentality, I demanded my husband do something frivolous for Valentine's Day. Now I did not say go wild - it's just that I wanted something sentimental because he always does the practical thing for me. He's really sweet and thoughtful, just sometimes I would like him to do something unexpected for me - again, not on the gold-digger track, besides I cannot be a gold-digger because I have been digging for ten years and I have yet to hit gold - until this weekend.

So, four friends and myself get an Evite from our husbands two weeks before Valentine's instructing us to be prepared to go somewhere at 10 am. Ten am - where the heck could we be going at 10 am on a Saturday? That’s our busiest day of the week with basketball, errands and such. Whatever I said - I will do what it said, but it did not say much. The men folk told us not to ask questions, we would find out on that day. I did the usual - hair, nails, eyebrows, to get ready for my big date. Things were not adding up, however, because we have four kids and it takes a lot of coordination to get them out of the house. My husband told me we had hotel reservations for Friday night too. I tried every ploy to get information before the big date - met with steel trap.

Saturday morning comes after an early wake up of my own accord without police like knocking on my bedroom door, a request for hot oatmeal or to break up a television dispute, she won't share the covers on the couch argument - heaven. I get dressed ready to be dazzled. I dress in an outfit my husband likes only to have him dress as if he's going out to coach Ava's game. Hello! My girls come up to my room and we laugh and speculate about what's happening for about 15 minutes. Then the cell phones start ringing... "Hurry up and get downstairs". And we start yipping, "What’s their deal, we are just eating breakfast".

We meet the boys in the lobby and they are grinning from ear to ear with a big secret and we’re still thinking, “Dude, it’s breakfast” And then it’s find out it’s brunch with made to order omelets and pancakes and French toast and fruits – you get it. That’s enough for me, you can call it a day, but there was more. We find our seats; there is only room for the five women – duh? Can you count? Then they tell us where to sit. I’m a grown woman – I can sit next to whatever friend I want.

Av says, “Breakfast is for you ladies; we will eat somewhere else. “ We get ready to order. Eze says, “Before you order lift up your placemats.” We lift up our placemats to find cards. Ohh a card, I rarely get a card. This card is very heavy. We open them as instructed to find a handwritten note from our beloved, a typed agenda for the day, and a wad of cash! Hello! Our husbands gave us money for a fab brunch, arranged for us to shop at the mall with our girls sans children, to spend our identical wads on ourselves over the course of 5 hours and then get ready for dinner at Legal’s.

Did I get what I asked for or did I get what I asked for? Actually I got way more than what I asked for.

Why you always running in place?

My life has been a little hectic - I know you are thinking how much more hectic can it get with the size of my family? But the family is not all I have rocking right now with the rethinking of my life stuff. But I have to think of my followers - I hit that magic five number!

My parents got back from my grandmother's funeral in Barbados and they confirmed what I thought all along; the trip to Barbados would have been life changing for me. I needed to see where I came from and meet my family. My brother Brian went with Dad to Barbados last year, but I haven't been since I was 13 - over 22 years ago. That's just crazy!

Daddy said he met people he has not seen in forty years. I want to see people and be seen so they know that my parents did a decent job with me. I think through my story the family would know that they made a good life for themselves in the States. I want to go see my parent's birthplace with them and record their stories. It is important that I have the ability to share a family tale with my kids one day. So I missed out in several ways. I will have to work on rectifying that soon.

Bittersweet Memories

It is not cool to be bitter just because you did not pursue your dreams when things were easier and you had fewer obligations. Yes, these limbo years are marked with uncertainty, whether or not we chose the right path or if it's too late to go after the early dreams of our childhood. What happens along the way? Life happens and we settle so we can move on with the rest of our lives. We get involved in relationships, we take risks that don't work out, we get hurt, we face disappointment and so we get scared. Well, that's just too darn bad. The idea that life will turn out exactly the way we want is youthful idealistic thinking. That is over now, but the good news is that you are much smarter than you were in your twenties. I look back on my life today and thank God that He steered me clear of some stuff. I am doing a little of what I wanted to do by writing this blog and sharing my writing. I am not trying out for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleading team as I planned roller-skating on Adams Avenue when I was six years old. Darn it! I just getting into shape for it too, but the time commitment is too much for me right now. So what am I doing? I am starting a class on Tuesday so I can finish/start my Master's degree and I did this writing contest in November to write a 50k word novel in a month. The book is nowhere near ready for publication but it's a start. So what are you doing? If you have not rethought your life goals as I have been doing lately, maybe you are okay and satisfied. When it starts to gnaw at you, your old dreams, deal with them head on and do not let that bitterness sink into you.

Tattoos on your lower back, half shirts, and low-rise jeans…

A tattoo on your lower back, pejoratively referred to as a “tramp stamp”, that is visible every time you bend over in your low-rise jeans or when you don a half shirt is not cool in your thirties. If you received your lower back tattoo in your twenties when being conservative is whack, then you are fine as long as you cover it in public. If, however, you decide to get one past the age of 29 then you are teetering on the edge of reason. You are a grown up now, you cannot go to a company picnic or pick your child up from daycare, bend down to pick up a ball or button your kid’s coat and reveal your reckless abandon. Cover that thing up with some mom jeans or a tucked turtleneck. Your maturity will thank you.

Untitled

I have not felt like writing at all this week. My grandmother passed away early this week and I have not been dealing with it in the best way. My dad is a very strong man able to control his emotions well. My mom deals with things quietly as well, but can always be counted on to say something to make you feel better when you need it. I cope with things that are difficult by closing up and that means not writing at all. You see, I could not go to the funeral because I am a grown up without a passport and very little emergency funds. To think I could not go home, that means go to Barbados, to be with the rest of the family has been eating at me all week.

My husband started reading my blog finally. He lives with me so he should know the other side of me. Here's what he thinks; he does not like the titles and the posts do not seem to be about anything. And they are not - mid-life crisis writing about little to nothing at all. Maybe one day he will be a reader (no pressure, Av).

So one of the mindless things I have been trying to check out is Facebook. I cannot figure the darn thing out. Are you really connecting with friends or just looking at what friends choose to show you about their life? I think I should have a profile, but most public school teachers fear that thing. What if students want to be your "friend" or friends post sketchy pictures of you from not so wonderful times? I don't think it's for me. Plus, the scary possibility of a forgotten ex trying to reconnect does not sound like something a married chick should be digging into. On the other hand, maybe I'm too serious.

My mind's in disturbia...

Uh oh, folks. My mom is worried about me now.

My dad saw the blog the other day and thought it was funny. My brother is interested in what makes me tick. My mom, on the other hand, is worried about putting pictures on the internet and who reads this. Mom, did you read the first post? I only have five friends so the blog is not that public.

She also wants to know what my husband, Avalon, thinks about all this blogging. I have only written three posts including this one. Since I may never have my own mother as a follower, I should respond to the rumor. I am having a mid-life crisis. Although I do not feel comfortable using the word “crisis”, I do not know what you call this; sharing thoughts with the world. “Crisis” implies a medical situation or people whispering “perhaps we should find Nicole a counselor or someone to talk to” whenever they see me. Rest assured, I have never been saner than I am today. Tell me that you have not considered what you have made of your life ever and I will pull the blog down - tomorrow. Truth is that I have to write so I figure I should get to it before I get old and forget - just kidding.

There is no crisis, no need to be alarmed, this is just sharing time. Yes, I am sharing the most, but maybe the five friends will share their own nugget of wisdom for the all the world to see. So the question on the table is, have you ever had a life consideration moment? (Is that better, Mom?)

What I've been trying to be lately

My socks do not match this morning and one of them is hovering around my ankle. That characterizes a typical morning for me. I have to little people ready and out somewhere. As for me, on the outside I look okay and somewhat put together. On the inside, however, I feel like I am a mess and do not really have a handle on my life or my kids.

People tell me that they are amazed at what I do or that they have no idea how I do what I do: four kids, husband, house, full-time job, some part time ones, and kid activities. Here is the secret: I have no idea what I am doing. I wonder often why God would torture my family by giving me so much responsibility. When does a person train to run a household with a gaggle of children?

I was raised in a small working class town with just my two parents, my brother Brian, and me. The house was quiet and in order. Apparently, I did not learn through osmosis how to run the house I just did the chores my mother told me to do. I did not learn how to do laundry until I went off to college and my mother was concerned that I would not have any clean underwear. I laugh every time I think about how my mom did not want us to wreck her washing machine so Brian and I (even Daddy) were not allowed to touch it. Everybody uses the washing machine in my house because I cannot handle the loads upon loads of laundry that is produced in my house. Honestly, I admire mothers who stay home and raise their children. How do they handle their jobs? I work full-time so I use that as a mini excuse for not getting many household chores done, but if I were home full time I would feel as though everything must be in order. There can never be order with one child, let alone two or more. (Warning: the following is a graphic, non-motherly response.) I would rather be shot with tacks than figure out how to manage my life at home full time with my four kids. That would take a level of bravery that I am sorry to say I just do not possess.

As I sit writing this entry, at work, I am self-conscious about the true things I will share about myself. This close self-examination all started when my students asked me, in early November I believe, if I have any regrets. I smiled at them (I smile when I am embarrassed or thinking of telling a lie) and said yes (but I was thinking of saying no). Everyone has regrets, right? While I have regrets, they are not about what I have done with my life, but the things I was afraid to do with it.

The reasons, the reasons that we're here..

It is the first of the year and on the last day of the year, I decided to start a blog. I have been thinking about starting one since the summer time. I am a teacher and you have a lot of free time in the summer to think about what you should be doing with your life. Sometimes I find myself relatively amusing; not comedian type, but someone who will make you smile occasionally. So I thought, writing a blog might be fun. Then the question became what are you going to write about and who is going to read it? I do not have a clue and for some reason it really does not matter who is reading it, but that I am putting my words out there. Of course, I will contact the five friends I have, hello friends, and make them subscribe and post a comment every now and then so I do not look like a loser. So back to the question, what does a woman in her mid-30s with four kids and a job have to write about for the world to read? The answer to that is everything and nothing at all. In your twenties, you think being old is really going to suck because you will have all these responsibilities and you cannot relax and be ignorant like you can when you are starting out. I screwed that up by starting my twenties with a heap of responsibilities. Now that I am by my own definition officially old, sorry dad, I feel this budding wisdom. You see things in your thirties and wonder about beyond and that clarity is not achievable at any other time. So let's just call this a blog to work out my issues and share my little nuggets of wisdom. Maybe you will laugh or smile when you read it - maybe we will find out that I am not as smart as I think I am and I end up learning from my readers. (Make sure I do not get too full of myself.) Join me for a journey into the unknown, into my limbo years, and into my wonder years - the thirty life.