I had a melt down yesterday. I spent half the night and part of the morning trying to figure out the source of my anxiety. I have a lot going on, but that is not different from any other day. I do not know how to ask for help - that’s a challenge. Plus, I like everything to be perfect. Then it hit me. Some time ago, when Avalon and Kincaid were younger I worked a low paying job that required long hours and lots of travel. I mean, I was not a lawyer or anything, just a recruiter; a recruiter that worked at a small-specialized diversity recruiting company. I thought I was hot stuff you know; I had an office and a ton of responsibility. With all that drama, I completely ignored my home life. I would leave at 7 am and not get home until 10 or later - particularly if an event was coming up.
Work drudged along while I forgot I even had a home life. What happened to the kids or my husband - nothing they did whatever. I don’t know because I never asked. What I do know is that once you make a commitment you cannot all of a sudden decide to ignore your obligations. Something about this week reminded me of that time - they subtle disapproving looks when I came home yet; the feeling that no one knows just how much I am under pressure on the job. Well, I have that same pressure right now - some of it real, much of it imagined. I have a huge project at work (unrelated to teaching and all about testing) but I don’t have to handle things the same way I did back then.
So what happened to the dream job. I left it and work for a dot com that gave me a lay off notice four months into the job. God has a funny way of slowing you down when you don’t have enough sense to do it yourself. …I’m listening.
I can relate to the juggling act we do as mothers. I used to call it a balancing act but I'm realizing I don't really balance I just try to adjust things to make sense and order. The "dream job"....I'd like to know how many people have theirs. I've received that disapproving look a few days ago when I came home a little before 9p. No one in my home wants to know about my day or why I'm late or how I'm doing at that point. I still have some learning to do on how to say NO more. And I have some control issues which also keeps me up some nights trying to figure things out or trying to make myself less upset...usually it's about money! -Nikki
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