Thinking back a moment

We were walking into church on Sunday (March 23) and Marcel had something on his face so I licked my finger and started swiping at it, vigorously. Disgusting, I thought. I told him, “your face is messy.” I wondered who his mother was. How did Marcel walk out of the house in this condition? Then I had another thought: motherhood is messy. I continue to walk into the church and memories of diapers, dirty laundry, bubble baths, talcum powder and spit-up, the messiness of my life, threatened to overtake me. During those moments when I was out of bed at 2 in the morning sitting on the bathroom floor with a hysterical child did I think this was the joy of motherhood? Where are the crayola pictures on the fridge, breakfast in bed, pillow fights, family harmony – you know, what you see on TV? But TV is not real life, Nicole – didn’t my mom tell me that when I was a girl?

Motherhood is not all peaches and cream and sometimes I don’t like it very much. People don’t know how I do it and I don’t know how I do it. What I do know is that I continue trying to find ways to grow as a person. I accept (after a meltdown) that I am not a perfect mom, but I can learn to be a perfect mom of the kids I have been given. I am messy, that the funny thing talking about the messiness of motherhood. Women are messy and complicated and hope for order, but we don’t believe we deserve it sometimes.

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost...

I had a melt down yesterday. I spent half the night and part of the morning trying to figure out the source of my anxiety. I have a lot going on, but that is not different from any other day. I do not know how to ask for help - that’s a challenge. Plus, I like everything to be perfect. Then it hit me. Some time ago, when Avalon and Kincaid were younger I worked a low paying job that required long hours and lots of travel. I mean, I was not a lawyer or anything, just a recruiter; a recruiter that worked at a small-specialized diversity recruiting company. I thought I was hot stuff you know; I had an office and a ton of responsibility. With all that drama, I completely ignored my home life. I would leave at 7 am and not get home until 10 or later - particularly if an event was coming up.

Work drudged along while I forgot I even had a home life. What happened to the kids or my husband - nothing they did whatever. I don’t know because I never asked. What I do know is that once you make a commitment you cannot all of a sudden decide to ignore your obligations. Something about this week reminded me of that time - they subtle disapproving looks when I came home yet; the feeling that no one knows just how much I am under pressure on the job. Well, I have that same pressure right now - some of it real, much of it imagined. I have a huge project at work (unrelated to teaching and all about testing) but I don’t have to handle things the same way I did back then.

So what happened to the dream job. I left it and work for a dot com that gave me a lay off notice four months into the job. God has a funny way of slowing you down when you don’t have enough sense to do it yourself. …I’m listening.

It's only okay to lie never

No, said the reformed liar.

I was known to tell a little white one every now and again by carefully guarding what I say. Usually you want to lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings - you can tell the truth nicely. Lying always comes back to get you at some point.

Life at the mid..

On February 28 I sent my father a text message saying, "well, daddy, this is my last day in my early thirties. Tomorrow I officially move to mid." He called me and said he wanted to take me to dinner while I can still chew.

So I have been a litte drama queen lately, but mid thirties may be okay. So here's what I have...

a boat load of children. Yes, we have a family of six which is a starting five on a basketball team and one bench player. I am on the bench. Only scored one point in junior high school basketball debut/finale season.

a job that I like. I tell my students a cautionary tale about how money isn't everything but only because I want them to find a career they will actually enjoy. My job as a teacher is fun. It has it's frustrations, but I love teaching and seeing my students every day. I laugh hysterically every day. But, you must not tell them I like them - it's part of my mystique.

a great husband. Shhh...I will be married ten years in August. I have been off the market more than ten years. Which is good because mid thirties is early cougar years, but I don't have to prowl the clubs or bars looking for a young fella to make an honest woman out of me. I have a good fella at home already.

a healthy relationship with my parents. They didn't understand me as a teenager. Or maybe the truth is I was an idiot like most teenagers and I didn't understand myself. My parents are a Godsend. They support me, my family, my marriage and they make me look forward to "the kids have left the nest" time of life. My only gripe is that they have allowed my brother to take residence in my childhood bedroom and it reeks of boy scent: cologne and dirty socks. (Love you, Brian)

I am being beckoned as I write to complete post-shower duties. I will count more of my blessings later.

Baby, you can have whatever you like...

It is not cute in your thirties not to appreciate the little things in life. I sound like a broken record lately, "I'm getting older, now that I'm in my thirties, and I’m almost forty". That saying about enjoying the here and now must only be when you are too old to have a later. Seriously, life can be pretty sweet sometimes, most times, with an occasional hiccup. The good definitely outweighs the bad and I am enjoying the holding pattern right now.

Valentine's Day, the day of commercialized romance and contrived arguments of sentimentality, I demanded my husband do something frivolous for Valentine's Day. Now I did not say go wild - it's just that I wanted something sentimental because he always does the practical thing for me. He's really sweet and thoughtful, just sometimes I would like him to do something unexpected for me - again, not on the gold-digger track, besides I cannot be a gold-digger because I have been digging for ten years and I have yet to hit gold - until this weekend.

So, four friends and myself get an Evite from our husbands two weeks before Valentine's instructing us to be prepared to go somewhere at 10 am. Ten am - where the heck could we be going at 10 am on a Saturday? That’s our busiest day of the week with basketball, errands and such. Whatever I said - I will do what it said, but it did not say much. The men folk told us not to ask questions, we would find out on that day. I did the usual - hair, nails, eyebrows, to get ready for my big date. Things were not adding up, however, because we have four kids and it takes a lot of coordination to get them out of the house. My husband told me we had hotel reservations for Friday night too. I tried every ploy to get information before the big date - met with steel trap.

Saturday morning comes after an early wake up of my own accord without police like knocking on my bedroom door, a request for hot oatmeal or to break up a television dispute, she won't share the covers on the couch argument - heaven. I get dressed ready to be dazzled. I dress in an outfit my husband likes only to have him dress as if he's going out to coach Ava's game. Hello! My girls come up to my room and we laugh and speculate about what's happening for about 15 minutes. Then the cell phones start ringing... "Hurry up and get downstairs". And we start yipping, "What’s their deal, we are just eating breakfast".

We meet the boys in the lobby and they are grinning from ear to ear with a big secret and we’re still thinking, “Dude, it’s breakfast” And then it’s find out it’s brunch with made to order omelets and pancakes and French toast and fruits – you get it. That’s enough for me, you can call it a day, but there was more. We find our seats; there is only room for the five women – duh? Can you count? Then they tell us where to sit. I’m a grown woman – I can sit next to whatever friend I want.

Av says, “Breakfast is for you ladies; we will eat somewhere else. “ We get ready to order. Eze says, “Before you order lift up your placemats.” We lift up our placemats to find cards. Ohh a card, I rarely get a card. This card is very heavy. We open them as instructed to find a handwritten note from our beloved, a typed agenda for the day, and a wad of cash! Hello! Our husbands gave us money for a fab brunch, arranged for us to shop at the mall with our girls sans children, to spend our identical wads on ourselves over the course of 5 hours and then get ready for dinner at Legal’s.

Did I get what I asked for or did I get what I asked for? Actually I got way more than what I asked for.

Why you always running in place?

My life has been a little hectic - I know you are thinking how much more hectic can it get with the size of my family? But the family is not all I have rocking right now with the rethinking of my life stuff. But I have to think of my followers - I hit that magic five number!

My parents got back from my grandmother's funeral in Barbados and they confirmed what I thought all along; the trip to Barbados would have been life changing for me. I needed to see where I came from and meet my family. My brother Brian went with Dad to Barbados last year, but I haven't been since I was 13 - over 22 years ago. That's just crazy!

Daddy said he met people he has not seen in forty years. I want to see people and be seen so they know that my parents did a decent job with me. I think through my story the family would know that they made a good life for themselves in the States. I want to go see my parent's birthplace with them and record their stories. It is important that I have the ability to share a family tale with my kids one day. So I missed out in several ways. I will have to work on rectifying that soon.

Bittersweet Memories

It is not cool to be bitter just because you did not pursue your dreams when things were easier and you had fewer obligations. Yes, these limbo years are marked with uncertainty, whether or not we chose the right path or if it's too late to go after the early dreams of our childhood. What happens along the way? Life happens and we settle so we can move on with the rest of our lives. We get involved in relationships, we take risks that don't work out, we get hurt, we face disappointment and so we get scared. Well, that's just too darn bad. The idea that life will turn out exactly the way we want is youthful idealistic thinking. That is over now, but the good news is that you are much smarter than you were in your twenties. I look back on my life today and thank God that He steered me clear of some stuff. I am doing a little of what I wanted to do by writing this blog and sharing my writing. I am not trying out for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleading team as I planned roller-skating on Adams Avenue when I was six years old. Darn it! I just getting into shape for it too, but the time commitment is too much for me right now. So what am I doing? I am starting a class on Tuesday so I can finish/start my Master's degree and I did this writing contest in November to write a 50k word novel in a month. The book is nowhere near ready for publication but it's a start. So what are you doing? If you have not rethought your life goals as I have been doing lately, maybe you are okay and satisfied. When it starts to gnaw at you, your old dreams, deal with them head on and do not let that bitterness sink into you.