Thinking back a moment

We were walking into church on Sunday (March 23) and Marcel had something on his face so I licked my finger and started swiping at it, vigorously. Disgusting, I thought. I told him, “your face is messy.” I wondered who his mother was. How did Marcel walk out of the house in this condition? Then I had another thought: motherhood is messy. I continue to walk into the church and memories of diapers, dirty laundry, bubble baths, talcum powder and spit-up, the messiness of my life, threatened to overtake me. During those moments when I was out of bed at 2 in the morning sitting on the bathroom floor with a hysterical child did I think this was the joy of motherhood? Where are the crayola pictures on the fridge, breakfast in bed, pillow fights, family harmony – you know, what you see on TV? But TV is not real life, Nicole – didn’t my mom tell me that when I was a girl?

Motherhood is not all peaches and cream and sometimes I don’t like it very much. People don’t know how I do it and I don’t know how I do it. What I do know is that I continue trying to find ways to grow as a person. I accept (after a meltdown) that I am not a perfect mom, but I can learn to be a perfect mom of the kids I have been given. I am messy, that the funny thing talking about the messiness of motherhood. Women are messy and complicated and hope for order, but we don’t believe we deserve it sometimes.

Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost...

I had a melt down yesterday. I spent half the night and part of the morning trying to figure out the source of my anxiety. I have a lot going on, but that is not different from any other day. I do not know how to ask for help - that’s a challenge. Plus, I like everything to be perfect. Then it hit me. Some time ago, when Avalon and Kincaid were younger I worked a low paying job that required long hours and lots of travel. I mean, I was not a lawyer or anything, just a recruiter; a recruiter that worked at a small-specialized diversity recruiting company. I thought I was hot stuff you know; I had an office and a ton of responsibility. With all that drama, I completely ignored my home life. I would leave at 7 am and not get home until 10 or later - particularly if an event was coming up.

Work drudged along while I forgot I even had a home life. What happened to the kids or my husband - nothing they did whatever. I don’t know because I never asked. What I do know is that once you make a commitment you cannot all of a sudden decide to ignore your obligations. Something about this week reminded me of that time - they subtle disapproving looks when I came home yet; the feeling that no one knows just how much I am under pressure on the job. Well, I have that same pressure right now - some of it real, much of it imagined. I have a huge project at work (unrelated to teaching and all about testing) but I don’t have to handle things the same way I did back then.

So what happened to the dream job. I left it and work for a dot com that gave me a lay off notice four months into the job. God has a funny way of slowing you down when you don’t have enough sense to do it yourself. …I’m listening.

It's only okay to lie never

No, said the reformed liar.

I was known to tell a little white one every now and again by carefully guarding what I say. Usually you want to lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings - you can tell the truth nicely. Lying always comes back to get you at some point.

Life at the mid..

On February 28 I sent my father a text message saying, "well, daddy, this is my last day in my early thirties. Tomorrow I officially move to mid." He called me and said he wanted to take me to dinner while I can still chew.

So I have been a litte drama queen lately, but mid thirties may be okay. So here's what I have...

a boat load of children. Yes, we have a family of six which is a starting five on a basketball team and one bench player. I am on the bench. Only scored one point in junior high school basketball debut/finale season.

a job that I like. I tell my students a cautionary tale about how money isn't everything but only because I want them to find a career they will actually enjoy. My job as a teacher is fun. It has it's frustrations, but I love teaching and seeing my students every day. I laugh hysterically every day. But, you must not tell them I like them - it's part of my mystique.

a great husband. Shhh...I will be married ten years in August. I have been off the market more than ten years. Which is good because mid thirties is early cougar years, but I don't have to prowl the clubs or bars looking for a young fella to make an honest woman out of me. I have a good fella at home already.

a healthy relationship with my parents. They didn't understand me as a teenager. Or maybe the truth is I was an idiot like most teenagers and I didn't understand myself. My parents are a Godsend. They support me, my family, my marriage and they make me look forward to "the kids have left the nest" time of life. My only gripe is that they have allowed my brother to take residence in my childhood bedroom and it reeks of boy scent: cologne and dirty socks. (Love you, Brian)

I am being beckoned as I write to complete post-shower duties. I will count more of my blessings later.