Bittersweet Memories

It is not cool to be bitter just because you did not pursue your dreams when things were easier and you had fewer obligations. Yes, these limbo years are marked with uncertainty, whether or not we chose the right path or if it's too late to go after the early dreams of our childhood. What happens along the way? Life happens and we settle so we can move on with the rest of our lives. We get involved in relationships, we take risks that don't work out, we get hurt, we face disappointment and so we get scared. Well, that's just too darn bad. The idea that life will turn out exactly the way we want is youthful idealistic thinking. That is over now, but the good news is that you are much smarter than you were in your twenties. I look back on my life today and thank God that He steered me clear of some stuff. I am doing a little of what I wanted to do by writing this blog and sharing my writing. I am not trying out for the Dallas Cowboy cheerleading team as I planned roller-skating on Adams Avenue when I was six years old. Darn it! I just getting into shape for it too, but the time commitment is too much for me right now. So what am I doing? I am starting a class on Tuesday so I can finish/start my Master's degree and I did this writing contest in November to write a 50k word novel in a month. The book is nowhere near ready for publication but it's a start. So what are you doing? If you have not rethought your life goals as I have been doing lately, maybe you are okay and satisfied. When it starts to gnaw at you, your old dreams, deal with them head on and do not let that bitterness sink into you.

Tattoos on your lower back, half shirts, and low-rise jeans…

A tattoo on your lower back, pejoratively referred to as a “tramp stamp”, that is visible every time you bend over in your low-rise jeans or when you don a half shirt is not cool in your thirties. If you received your lower back tattoo in your twenties when being conservative is whack, then you are fine as long as you cover it in public. If, however, you decide to get one past the age of 29 then you are teetering on the edge of reason. You are a grown up now, you cannot go to a company picnic or pick your child up from daycare, bend down to pick up a ball or button your kid’s coat and reveal your reckless abandon. Cover that thing up with some mom jeans or a tucked turtleneck. Your maturity will thank you.

Untitled

I have not felt like writing at all this week. My grandmother passed away early this week and I have not been dealing with it in the best way. My dad is a very strong man able to control his emotions well. My mom deals with things quietly as well, but can always be counted on to say something to make you feel better when you need it. I cope with things that are difficult by closing up and that means not writing at all. You see, I could not go to the funeral because I am a grown up without a passport and very little emergency funds. To think I could not go home, that means go to Barbados, to be with the rest of the family has been eating at me all week.

My husband started reading my blog finally. He lives with me so he should know the other side of me. Here's what he thinks; he does not like the titles and the posts do not seem to be about anything. And they are not - mid-life crisis writing about little to nothing at all. Maybe one day he will be a reader (no pressure, Av).

So one of the mindless things I have been trying to check out is Facebook. I cannot figure the darn thing out. Are you really connecting with friends or just looking at what friends choose to show you about their life? I think I should have a profile, but most public school teachers fear that thing. What if students want to be your "friend" or friends post sketchy pictures of you from not so wonderful times? I don't think it's for me. Plus, the scary possibility of a forgotten ex trying to reconnect does not sound like something a married chick should be digging into. On the other hand, maybe I'm too serious.

My mind's in disturbia...

Uh oh, folks. My mom is worried about me now.

My dad saw the blog the other day and thought it was funny. My brother is interested in what makes me tick. My mom, on the other hand, is worried about putting pictures on the internet and who reads this. Mom, did you read the first post? I only have five friends so the blog is not that public.

She also wants to know what my husband, Avalon, thinks about all this blogging. I have only written three posts including this one. Since I may never have my own mother as a follower, I should respond to the rumor. I am having a mid-life crisis. Although I do not feel comfortable using the word “crisis”, I do not know what you call this; sharing thoughts with the world. “Crisis” implies a medical situation or people whispering “perhaps we should find Nicole a counselor or someone to talk to” whenever they see me. Rest assured, I have never been saner than I am today. Tell me that you have not considered what you have made of your life ever and I will pull the blog down - tomorrow. Truth is that I have to write so I figure I should get to it before I get old and forget - just kidding.

There is no crisis, no need to be alarmed, this is just sharing time. Yes, I am sharing the most, but maybe the five friends will share their own nugget of wisdom for the all the world to see. So the question on the table is, have you ever had a life consideration moment? (Is that better, Mom?)

What I've been trying to be lately

My socks do not match this morning and one of them is hovering around my ankle. That characterizes a typical morning for me. I have to little people ready and out somewhere. As for me, on the outside I look okay and somewhat put together. On the inside, however, I feel like I am a mess and do not really have a handle on my life or my kids.

People tell me that they are amazed at what I do or that they have no idea how I do what I do: four kids, husband, house, full-time job, some part time ones, and kid activities. Here is the secret: I have no idea what I am doing. I wonder often why God would torture my family by giving me so much responsibility. When does a person train to run a household with a gaggle of children?

I was raised in a small working class town with just my two parents, my brother Brian, and me. The house was quiet and in order. Apparently, I did not learn through osmosis how to run the house I just did the chores my mother told me to do. I did not learn how to do laundry until I went off to college and my mother was concerned that I would not have any clean underwear. I laugh every time I think about how my mom did not want us to wreck her washing machine so Brian and I (even Daddy) were not allowed to touch it. Everybody uses the washing machine in my house because I cannot handle the loads upon loads of laundry that is produced in my house. Honestly, I admire mothers who stay home and raise their children. How do they handle their jobs? I work full-time so I use that as a mini excuse for not getting many household chores done, but if I were home full time I would feel as though everything must be in order. There can never be order with one child, let alone two or more. (Warning: the following is a graphic, non-motherly response.) I would rather be shot with tacks than figure out how to manage my life at home full time with my four kids. That would take a level of bravery that I am sorry to say I just do not possess.

As I sit writing this entry, at work, I am self-conscious about the true things I will share about myself. This close self-examination all started when my students asked me, in early November I believe, if I have any regrets. I smiled at them (I smile when I am embarrassed or thinking of telling a lie) and said yes (but I was thinking of saying no). Everyone has regrets, right? While I have regrets, they are not about what I have done with my life, but the things I was afraid to do with it.

The reasons, the reasons that we're here..

It is the first of the year and on the last day of the year, I decided to start a blog. I have been thinking about starting one since the summer time. I am a teacher and you have a lot of free time in the summer to think about what you should be doing with your life. Sometimes I find myself relatively amusing; not comedian type, but someone who will make you smile occasionally. So I thought, writing a blog might be fun. Then the question became what are you going to write about and who is going to read it? I do not have a clue and for some reason it really does not matter who is reading it, but that I am putting my words out there. Of course, I will contact the five friends I have, hello friends, and make them subscribe and post a comment every now and then so I do not look like a loser. So back to the question, what does a woman in her mid-30s with four kids and a job have to write about for the world to read? The answer to that is everything and nothing at all. In your twenties, you think being old is really going to suck because you will have all these responsibilities and you cannot relax and be ignorant like you can when you are starting out. I screwed that up by starting my twenties with a heap of responsibilities. Now that I am by my own definition officially old, sorry dad, I feel this budding wisdom. You see things in your thirties and wonder about beyond and that clarity is not achievable at any other time. So let's just call this a blog to work out my issues and share my little nuggets of wisdom. Maybe you will laugh or smile when you read it - maybe we will find out that I am not as smart as I think I am and I end up learning from my readers. (Make sure I do not get too full of myself.) Join me for a journey into the unknown, into my limbo years, and into my wonder years - the thirty life.