If I tell the world, I'll never say enough

So a year ago I started a blog with all types of excitement. I sent an email out to everyone and amassed five followers (my mother not included). What has happened to me in a year? I was really into the posting for a while and then I chickened out because of the self-censoring that needs to happen due to my place of employment. It seems in the education world you do not have a private life. Which makes sense when you try to have an online persona because you have made the private public?

But I digress, well my life happened. I took my first class at Harvard which was very exciting because I still have it - I got an A. sorry, an "A-" but Nicole the Nerd is back. I tried to do the novel contest again, but pressures at home caught my short about 40k short of the 50k goal. But good news kids, I picked up my book from last November to work on the editing. I recently heard a story about Toni Morrison keeping her novel Beloved in a box for years before getting it published. I'm not getting any younger so I decided to rescue my book from the dust mites under my bed and get out my teacher pen. It's not too bad. Should I publicly say I will post some excerpts? Don't know yet.

Work is okay and busy. At the start of the school year I had the 5 year itch. This is my sixth year teaching - the longest I have been in one job. I think we may have a career folks at least until I decide to be a writer for real. I was sitting in bed last night having my back to school anxiety attack because I have not graded one paper since I have been home. That's a lot to do in a home and a vacation should be that - a break from the work life. There are still four kids and no more on the way! What I do have is a full-fledged teenager. I mean Avalon is going to be fourteen. What the heck am I going to do now? I already talked about the armpit hair and the calling me "Mom" stuff (and now the 7 year old is calling me that too). My daughter got her hair pressed and while that may sound like nothing to you- she looks like a young woman. And my youngest is about 9 months away from kindergarten. Hallelujah no more daycare payments, but sadness for the end of innocence. So on my pre-anniversary I would like to thank my five followers and my mom for supporting me. I will be back more frequently until school kicks my butt, but I vow to be more frequent. My fans are waiting.

Happy New Year!

..baby girl flossing, lipgloss is shining

This morning I was thinking about my silver bangles. Currently I wear a cheap set I bought at Burlington Coat Factory that jingle when I move my arm and remind me that I am doing the jewelry thing. One broke; popped at the place where it’s lightly welded. However, my silver bracelets, the ones from childhood that every young West Indian son and daughter must wear - I want those back. They don’t go out of style and they do not break. My mom has a picture displayed at her house of me as an infant with a yellow-checkered dress, a smock front with flowers and my gold bangle prominently displayed. Don't know where they are now and if I ask my mother for them, she will tell me how much they cost, how hard they are to get, et cetera. They used to irritate me because in school the teachers would ask me to take them off during gym and for track meets. They don't come off easily – these bangles are not meant to come off. So this morning while my fake diamond bracelet and cheap silver one where clanging together on the way to work I thought about my bangles - my West Indian bangles. How did they come off?

Lost and insecure..you found me

So I have been challenged to post. When I started reading over my blog, I was surprised to find that I have not written a thing since July. There's that commitment thing again. Let me tell you what I have committed to lately.

Earrings...oddly enough, my mom believes that you are not dressed unless you are wearing earrings. My friend Ditzah has been all over me this summer for being half done. My hair and make-up were done; I would put on decent clothes and a necklace, but forget the important earrings. So since the start of school I have worn earrings every (almost) day! I have committed to that one simple thing.

What else? - National Novel Writing Month is coming up in November. I have verbally committed to doing it again. I did it last year - 50k words in 30 some odd days and I was completely blown away that I did it. Since I am not in school this semester - to discuss later - I have to do this novel writing contest.

Is that all I have committed to? That may be it for right now but seeing how I have been lately that's not too bad.

Oh - and I am committed to my marriage. We just passed the ten-year mark. It goes by fast and I feel like I have been married an eternity. The other day I thought about how next September 2010 I will have known my husband for half of my life. What? That's just crazy, deranged. No, seriously, it's a big thing and I can barely wrap my head around the idea.

Oh and I have been reading at night, every night. I have a hard time reading for pleasure during the school year because you read papers, and articles and the like and it just gets to be too much. I read some woman's blog where she reads over 100 books a year. I thought I loved to read, but wow. I did commit to the entire Twilight series. I'm just a commitment fanatic.

So I have posted to my blog, writing this entry in ten minutes in response to pressure from my good friend (and blog follower), Rach. Thanks, Ray-Ray.

That's the way, that's the way, that's the way

Okay so let me tell you about today. Nicole gets an idea. Nicole tries to follow through with said idea - oops - wrench in the works. Just spent time writing here preparing a post about commitment because I have not committed to keep up with my blog posts, my exercise, my healthy living. So I write the darn thing, get ready to edit and I have deleted it somehow. What the heck? I mean I wrote some good stuff, right. Or maybe it was crap and my cinco followers would know (one, that I'm looking for more followers) that I am cuckoo for coco puffs right now.

So let me give you the highlights of my last post....I cannot maintain friendships because I have a fear of commitment or an inability to stay faithful to friendships, hairdressers, healthy living plans (banning the word diet from my vocabulary), careers (writing is my first love) and a bunch of other things that I have forgotten because I can't even commit things to memory. I do remember from my long lost, well-written post, that I did not have an answer for my conundrum (nor do I want one). I am willing to forge forward with my new revelation and wait for God to tell me to stop whining. Most of the time I know exactly what I need to do and how to go about it, but I give myself reasons to not do it.

So what am I going to do about this friend thing? Let's see - I have a wide circle of friends. The thing I was commenting on was my lack of intimate friendships. You know the kind that five of you have - people you know you better than you know yourself. People who are willing to tell you difficult things even though they may get more than they bargained for in return. I don't know that I have that in my life right now, or if I am that for others.

Well you know...

I have brain block right now. The blog started because I was going to write at least weekly sharing my thoughts and musings about life. Looks like there is nothing in there or here right now. Kind of experiencing a creative funk..

What’s happening? Nothing. School is over. My students left the last week of May (and I miss them); I had a super busy week because I planned a prom and worked a graduation. My school is huge so event numbers for the prom was about 1000 and graduation there is thousands in attendance (900 on the field). Once things simmered down I guess I missed the drama. Run at 100 mph for a few weeks and things seem dry cruising at 55 again.

Summer time, summer time.

Why do I detest summer?

1. No new programming. All my shows have ended for the season.
2. No basketball! Celtics did not make it to the finals and I hate the Lakers.
3. Baseball and reality tv – honestly
4. Too much time, but not enough – will have chunks of time open in my schedule but kids, work, and fake exercise obligations will fill that
5. Mo money, mo money, mo money! Got to love that lump sum teacher check. Do not love the extra expenses summer brings.

I will stop the list there for the moment. Sorry to rant, but I am trying to write my way out of a funk. My tweets should get interesting now since I will have time to muse. Deuces!

Sunday Musings

So it's Sunday and on Sundays the fam and I usually go to church. When I was a kid, we went regularly. When I became an adult with a family of my own going to church seemed like something I did not have to do until I got older. It was my husband who said we should start going, but I was resistant to just being in any old church. A friend from college stopped by to say hello, mentioned that she and her husband started a church. We went that Sunday in a room at the Holiday Inn in Brockton and we have been there every since. That was eight years ago.

Going to church is something to do, but having faith is what I do. People ask me how I do what I do all the time and I say that I don't know. I do know, my faith in the Lord and what He says about who I am and how I can live a peaceful life is what makes me able to do what I do. I guess I never say that because I don't think people will understand. That's a little silly when you think about it. Strength has to come from a source and I should never be afraid to name God as mine. I am thankful for all that I have and the things in my life that have yet to come to pass.

As far as your eyes can see...it's Amazing

Why blog about your weight? I just am wondering why would someone blog about the ups and downs of food. Food is nourishment and occasionally, something to enjoy. I am blogging about being in my thirties so I guess the question can be turned back in on me, but what I am doing makes sense. So let me tell you what’s been going on since I have not been keeping up with my blogging.

I just finished a class at Harvard. I thought it was going to be difficult and it was because I like school and I wanted to do well. I haven't received the grade back, but I am thinking I may be scoring in the B range. When you go back to school, by choice you really only want to see A’s - no B's. Who I am I kidding? I take on way too much. In order to earn an A I need to devote more time to studying much more than I do now. Of course, I will keep trying to manage my life and put the right things first.

Speaking of first - my first born is a knot head who is doing a mediocre job in school and getting pretty sassy at home. He has stopped calling me "mommy" and started calling me "mom". I wrote a little tweet about it last week. What's up with that? I am not ready to be "mom". “Mom” means that I may soon have to accept that he may have a girlfriend. “Mom” means that he is officially in puberty with hair growing under his armpits and all other nasty type man-like things. Yuck! “Mom” means, I can't even write it, we will have to revisit "the talk" and I have to accept changes I am not willing to accept. For pete sake, just last week, I think on a Monday, I was "mommy". Uggh! What's next?

So at work I am planning a prom for around 1,000 people. A wedding with 300 is a big wedding and I am in charge of a prom where we are going to cram over 950 teenagers into an event facility with free food, drink, sugary deserts, dark lighting and music. Hello? I am completely off my rocker. The students will love it and it will be the best thing ever, but 1000 people, really? I have been having little mini nightmares thinking about it and I have three weeks to go - I mean two weeks from tomorrow. But I do have a dress, I slimming black dress that hits just above the knees that focuses on my chickeny legs (my legs being the only thing that resembles a chicken) and not my “had my last kid four years ago” tummy.

I have been running or brisk jogging to be more honest. It's killing me. Well, it's not literally killing me, but I am feeling it. Like that freshman 15 and the baby 30 is taking its toll. Nevertheless, I'm going to stick in there - what with the road race I promised my brother I would do.

School is winding down so I should be able to write more regularly. Summer time, summer time!