Whatever it is, let it be, let it be

I am burning with anger. It does not happen often where I have an uncontrollable urge to break every dish in the house it's just sometimes parenting can be infuriating. Case in point, we have been home on vacation for the entire week. Child #2 starts having a hard time catching her breath and her heart is beating fast. You are wondering if we made a trip to the emergency room. Not exactly since the panic attack is due in part to the three assignments #2 has to complete for Monday morning and she spent all of 30 minutes on one thing all week. So now you wonder why a responsible parent such as my self was caught unawares. Like most parents, you only know what they tell you. The origin of the panic attack that kept my husband up half the night was only revealed to me at 4pm and I have not been gracious about #2's predicament. When I was a kid you handled your academic problems on your own or, in other words, when you screwed up you stayed up all night and got it done. Nowadays you have to watch your children dilly and dally over every small task. When they are working on the computer, you have to watch that they are not checking YouTube or talking to the "wifey" on AIM. Holy cow! I thought the writing would diffuse the huff I'm in, but it's just making it worse. I see why some parents want to just take the assignment and finish it themselves.

Not in the same league, don't shoot at the same basket...

Two quick random thoughts..
First, congratulations to my fourteen-year-old son. I know I don’t look old enough to have a 14 year old. Anyway he just won his community school basketball championship for the 7th/8th grade league. It's all the local rage in Brockton. The calm Nicole was a darn nervous wreck at the beginning of the game fidgeting and muttering under my breath. My father thought it was hysterical to watch, but I just wanted him to win so bad that I was praying that he would be calm and I was acting foolish. I should not have worried because he and his team did their thing and won handily. Everyone played and everyone got a shot at the basket - an undefeated season. Whoo - hoo!

What else happened to me this week? Oh yeah, I remember. Since I hit 36 (or "Darn near 40" as I like to call it) I surmised that I should be more fit. For the last 30 days I have been waking up between 4:30 am and 5:00 am to do the "New Year, New You" challenge from Exercise TV. They lie. I'm sweating so much that I'm starving and feeding the starvation. I renamed it, “New Year, New Feeble You.” I have been sore, but my rings fit on my finger better. What an accomplishment. My four-year old gave me a hug the other day and said, "Your back is all squishy” like it was something nice. Today I tried to pick up the 7 year old and I told him he was getting too big to lift. He grabbed my arms and said, "That’s how you build these." My kids are so witty. Can't get a break I tell you, but I'm going to keep at it and get down to my fighting weight between after freshman 15 and before baby #2. I was a respectable size then.

Look for the girl with the broken smile

I like being alone. That sounds strange when I uttered the words sitting in my house, alone, listening to the quiet whir of the washing machine in the basement. My life is so noisy and it would be logical for me, with my few hours alone, to catch one of my favorite shows or read a book. Right now I am perfectly content with the silence of my house. The TV is off and so is the cd player. Right now it is the soothing tinkle of the keyboard keys that I love so much. I love that noise because it is creativity at work, the mind exploring different possibilities and watching it unfold on paper. I am thinking of the scripture “be still and know that I am God”. I have to ask, what does it take for us to just be still sometimes with our thoughts? We spend our lives complaining. I complained the entire week (guilty) because I had to return to work. Hello! I have a job that allows me to be off for two weeks with my children while they are out of school. Wait, back up, I'm employed and I like my job. I remember the days of unemployment and under employment in my house. We all experience lean times, you just hope if you go through it once it does not happen again. I feel blessed to be where I am.

My restless feelings are because I do not manage my free time well. Free time is a loose term for me, but my responsibilities are my responsibilities, but if there is something that I want to do (finish that book, lose weight, start running) then I should just do it. If I'm not meeting a goal, but working toward it, I should be okay with that in my mind. It has been a very long period of frustration for me, but it has been self-imposed. At work, I am the easy going one who never really gets too emotional. Secrets, secrets...I get very emotional, I just only show it to a few people.

I was talking to my students about the fact I have never watched the movie E.T. They thought my parents were mean and never took me to the movies (no that was Avalon). Anyway, I told them that I do not like to see "must see" stuff as if I do not like to follow the crowd. The real deal is that I would cry at the end of emotional movies. My girlfriend's parent, our chaperone, would come home and tell my mom about the tears, as if that's cute; "Nicky cried at the end." I'm thinking - do you need to tell all of my business? But I am emotional and I do cry; I cry at TV shows, commercials, a heartfelt prayer, a line in a story – my crying is not limited to movies. I do not like to cry with witnesses. But what's wrong with showing emotion from time to time? Do I need to project this tough as nails exterior to people. I am a softy and I do not like to be hurt. So I do not show hurt. There, I said it and it's out there. No more pretending I do not have any emotions because I have lots of them. See, I'm laughing right now because I am so silly (because the house is making night time noises and being alone is not so cute right now).